When may couples therapy be helpful?

9 of the common signs your relationship may need support.  

Knowing when a relationship needs outside  help is likely the most common question I face at the beginning of couples therapy. My clients each know some level of struggle is are normal, but when we are living in our struggles how can we tell when seeking help is a panicked reaction or being wise? I hope to provide some warning signs that If present are likely to suggest couples therapy will be helpful.

First when considering couples therapy it is key to note that  Couples therapy requires both individuals to have at least basic investment in making change. Based on this investment and a good clinician then couples therapy has a strong possibility of helping. Couples therapy can help in even very severe struggles, but can be even better at helping the relationship in smaller issues that if addressed will greatly improve your relationship. These signs below are especially common signs that couples therapy may be a great fit for your relationship.


1: Resentment
I say to my Clients Resentment is both the most important emotional red flag in relationships, and if unaddressed the beginning of the end. If you resent your partner it is a strong indicator a need that is important for your happiness is not being met. It is also a strong sign that unless that need is identified and navigated then that resentment is bound to grow. Therapy can help you both identify that resentment together, and give you the tools to potentially address it. It is important to note that short term resentments can occur during moments of stress or difficult external situations. If you or your partner have persistent resentment across weeks or months that is a strong sign to seek therapy before that resentment becomes so established the relationship is given up on.

 

2: Broken Trust

Trust is the lifeblood of a relationship. If you or your partner have broken trust in an area deeply valued by the other partner then rebuilding that trust is key. Far too many couples can wait years or decades suffering with broken trust before finally giving up and disengaging. Betrayals have many more forms then i can list but include infidelity, financial hurt from a partner, or being emotionally distant.

Broken trust can feel impossible to overcome However there is always hope. Couples therapy often focuses on setting a path to take responsibility for the betrayal(intentional or not) with the hope of rebuilding a new trust. For couples that are willing to sacrifice what is needed, then the new trust can become as strong and sometimes even stronger, but only if the proper steps are made. Major trust violations or broken trust that is stuck are a clear sign that professional help can benefit that couple and even save the relationship.

 

3: Arguments are stuck on repeat and even build over time.
Managing conflict is often a key need in couples therapy, as couples want to have peace. However peace does not come from ending the arguments. Instead ignoring problems and conflict only plants emotional landmines that are doomed to explode. Instead Peace and stability in romantic relationships comes from how issues are resolved and if both partners walk away feeling the conflict was helpful.

If you see arguments are growing in severity over time, or running in a circle repeating this is a clear sign that issues are likely just going to build over time as trust and resentment builds. If you know an issue is a dealbreaker for you or your partner but the two of you have been unable to bridge that gap then professional help can help you learn how to have healthy compromise and provide tools that can give the hope this can be changed.

 

4: The arguments go quiet.
Isn’t it a good thing if a couple is fighting less about a problem? However, but not always. Experienced couples therapists know this is a common warning sign that often looks like a positive sign. I have seen that when a partner has learned the problem is not resolved after multiple attempts they can give up on solving the issue, hence the silence. This if not addressed is very likely to lead to the silent partner building resentment and emotionally checking out of the relationship. The key is determining if the issue was actually resolved or is it just being buried. If both partners agree to move on then that can be trusted. However If either partner feels the underlying issue is unresolved and has resentment or broken trust then seeking an outside party is often needed to reopen dialogue in a way that is healthy and positive for both partners. 

 

5: On the different page on a key issue.
This struggle is particularly personal to each couple. I have seen relationships where household chores are handled is life or death for the relationship. In others it is irrelevant. Each couple needs different boundaries, based on what they want.

Common Dealbreakers are infidelity and abuse, however often couples do not make sure they are on the same page on what counts as cheating. For some liking a social media post or hanging out with others can trigger arguments. 

Common key areas that couples may not discuss or get stuck in discussions include the decision to have or raise children, where to live, how much to involve family and how to approach finances. Even Finances can become a huge discussion wiht many aspects that if unaddressed can spell doom on the relationship. Agreeing how to approach debt and saving, how to make big purchases, and how to approach milestones like retirement or buying a home become incredibly complex. Couples therapy can increase the chances these discussion are both successful and increase the chance financial disagreements don’t continue for decades. 

 

7: Outside pressures threaten the relationship.
Despite being number 7 this is often one of my top issues I see in my couples. It is so very common with the generational divide for a couple to deal with pressures on the family, which can threaten their own relationship. Dealing with the In-laws, including siblings and parents can place heavy strain on the relationship to the point it feels like a landmine. Often these issues are within the family unit but outside the direct control of either partner.

If the outside pressure is leading to you and your partner feeling unable to work together, or feeling trapped with no solutions then seeking professional help can help brainstorm ideas and make sure you and your partner are on the same page. Learning to set boundaries or even just working on each others emotional strain can be the difference between struggling or thriving with family. 

 

8: Growth is taking you apart.
Not all relationship struggles come from hurtful and undesirable events. They can come from either partner or the relationship itself growing in a way that makes the partners drift apart. Growth is typically only a problem if it leads to new or larger incompatibility’s which put strain on the partner.

If you feel you or your partner is becoming totally different, or wants a different life direction then was experienced earlier in the relationship couples therapy can assist so these transitions are done respectfully for everyone.

 

9: You want to “future-proof” the relationship.
Most of this list is to address past struggles, but an excellent reason for couples therapy is to increase the happiness and hope for the future. Almost all types of therapy are best before a crisis arises and this is definitely true for couples therapy. If you have good reason to suspect a future issue will either arise or return in the future then couples therapy can help you be more confident to face the situation. Future-proofing is acting with courage now to bring up this likely issue to make it a smaller issue should it come up at some later time.  Common situations include Premarital therapy, exploring trauma, and preparing for a big change such as children arriving.

The above signs are common struggles that for many couples can be resolved in rewarding ways with the proper tools and support. While there are countless more these often connect with others and lead to dissatisfaction in the relationship many people treasure the most. If these or other struggles are harming your relationship, I encourage you to talk with a professional who can get to know your case and give you concrete recommendations.

Aaron Williams
Registered Psychologist